From July 5, 2016
Sadly, the number of Sundays that I have left is countable on two hands. Only 8?
I am full of feelings. I don’t really know how to describe it other than being full of mixed feelings. Feelings of drive, longing, wanting to focus, ideas about the future, wanting to continue with strength until the end, thoughts of my family, thoughts of investigators—it just goes on.
These last weeks are mostly a mind battle for me. I want to finish strong and leave Brazil flying, but at the same time, it is hard to focus. It’s hard to keep my eyes on what I should be doing and not plan the future, which I want to do. I know what it says in Mathew 6:33, and I believe it; that’s not the problem.
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33).
The problem is wanting to think about something new, different and more about life.
I don’t want this to sound discouraging, because I am not discouraged. I am sad with the little amount of time I have to do so much, but I am disturbed with the feeling that I am “old” here on the mission, I will go home in a little while, and I am living the same story day after day. Yes, I learn new things every day, and I find new things in the scriptures everyday. Study is my favorite time of the day. I cannot get enough. What is starting to get to me are the excuses of the people to procrastinate the day of their repentance. Listening to the same excuses and reasons why people can’t or don’t want to follow the commandment of our Father in Heaven and how they “don’t feel ready” or are not prepared to even start going to church or following Christ’s example. This really gets to me. When you find someone who wants to follow Christ, everything becomes light and starts the fire of teaching and miracles. But then knock on the next door to find someone who gives you the same excuse that 137 people gave that same day causes a horrible feeling of frustration and sadness for one more soul who will not receive the blessings that God has in store for him—because he is too lazy or “too occupied” to attend God’s knock on his door.
And people cause me such stress for their unwillingness to follow Christ words:
26 And now, behold, who can stand against the works of the Lord? Who can deny his sayings? Who will rise up against the almighty power of the Lord? Who will despise the works of the Lord? Who will despise the children of Christ? Behold, all ye who are despisers of the works of the Lord, for ye shall wonder and perish.
27 O then despise not, and wonder not, but hearken unto the words of the Lord, and ask the Father in the name of Jesus for what things soever ye shall stand in need. Doubt not, but be believing, and begin as in times of old, and come unto the Lord with all your heart, and work out your own salvation with fear and trembling before him.
28 Be wise in the days of your probation; strip yourselves of all uncleanness; ask not, that ye may consume it on your lusts, but ask with a firmness unshaken, that ye will yield to no temptation, but that ye will serve the true and living God.
Oh, how it weighs on me every day the responsibility to teach someone who needs the gospel so desperately but doesn’t accept it—how someone can so easily throw the pearls to swine and the treasures in the mud. How someone doesn’t give attention to principles that they want, but are slow to follow and need to be compelled to keep. It’s a sad story to those who must be compelled to be humble so that God may teach them. How it weighs on my heart the little worth that people give to the things of God and the instructions He gave us, and the disregard and disrespect of His counsel. How much more must people suffer, without to blessings of our Father, to be compelled to listen and motivated to act and not stand idle. What lack of faith of those who are unwilling to act, but would rather receive action and be acted upon.
2 Nephi 2:26
And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath given.
But have you already thought about the blessings of those who act willingly without being compelled? Did you stop to think how many blessings are in store for this person? Holy cow! Alma 32:12-25
Think of all the people that have made my mission what it is! If it were not for the spirit of those who are looking, those who are praying, crying, sobbing to the Lord to know His gospel, my mission would not be what it is today. I am so grateful for the life that these people have brought to my mission, and how happy and willing I am to do anything for any person who chooses to come unto Christ. It is a blessing to be around these people. It is a wonder to feel their faith. It is a power like none other to have a testimony and see the miracles of God rain down upon those who show their faith unto Him, who are willing to sacrifice all that they have that they might know Him.
I live to find these people. I pray, cry, sweat, bleed, walk, run, fall, study, and dedicate my time (which is nothing and not sufficient) for these people so that the grace of our Savior may work a miracle in their lives. I am completely incapable of doing anything for these people. I am simply willing to bear a tool in the hand of God that he can work a mighty work and glory for this people and give more glory to God. Oh, how God is a God of miracles and the people who look find so! Mormon 9:2-11
I don’t know what else I can say in this little time that I have. But if it isn’t clear, I have a plain and certain testimony of the veracity and truthfulness of these things. I am sad that my mission is ending, but I will look to make the most of it for these people who need and want the God of miracles in their lives.
I know this church is true. There isn’t any way to deny this.
I love you all and I hope that you may all have a wonderful week. 🙂